The Power of Pause

Have you ever reached a big goal or a milestone only to realize you no longer wanted that thing?

We create a vision. Put our head down and start running at it. We Push. We Grind. Sometimes, we don’t stop to ask ourselves…“is this still want I want?” 

That very important step — the pause — is a permission slip to take a breath and evaluate where we’re at. It’s a call for reflection to help make sure we stay in integrity and alignment as we put in the work to pursue our ‘dream thing’.

I’ve found, that pause can be scarier than pursuing the goal. Getting real with ourselves, and admitting, and letting go of something that was important to us at one time directly challenges our ego. It requires humility, and radical honesty. 

I found myself in this position in 2021. This well-intentioned, ambitious hustler reached her career goal only to realize this version of me — present me — no longer wanted it after all.

A dream is a start, a metaphorical seed we put in the soil to be nurtured and cared for. I’ve always been full of them. Throughout my teens and twenties, I filled the pages of journals with my visions. Some small – and silly – others more meaningful.

I dreamed of playing college and professional soccer. 

I dreamed of living in San Francisco. 

I dreamed of having a pony named Bingo.

I dreamed of finding a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.

I dreamed of traveling the world.

I dreamed of running communications for a sports brand.

That last one was the career north star I was shooting for. It was so important because it bridged versions of me; the hopes of a starry-eyed 12-year-old soccer girl, and the vision of an ambitious 20-something career woman.

So, I went after it. It took over a decade. As part of the pursuit, I supported communication functions across tech, beauty, retail, and fashion, helping C-Suite Leaders and brands tell meaningful stories. During the journey I logged plenty of late nights, early mornings, airline miles, and meals in front of my laptop. I pushed boundaries, shed tears, and slowly fell out of integrity with the life I really craved.  

Throughout many chapters of my career journey, I felt out of body, like I was playing a character. I found comfort, and meaning out of the relationships I built, yet something was off. All the sacrifices felt like a small price to pay because at that time, I was dangerously deriving my worth from my work. The external validation I got through promotions, new positions, and positive reviews quieted my intuition, and kept me on the hamster wheel, always running for more. I kept moving and pushed down how I was really feeling.

Eventually, I reached my mountain top. I landed the leadership position that combined my career with my passions. By societal standards I was successful. I had landed my dream position, was recently engaged to my dream guy, lived in my dream city, and had a dreamy circle of family and friends.

And yet, inside, I was miserable.

Strung out on too many cups of coffee and looking to numb out with alcohol I rarely slept full nights, and had a nudging feeling in my gut, a knowing, this wasn’t right for me. Wrought with anxiety, I couldn’t even be present to all the gifts around me.

I reached my breaking point. If we don’t pay attention with our hearts and minds, our bodies will step in.

So finally, I stopped. I walked away from a position I had worked my whole career to achieve.

I hit pause.

I got married and we went on our honeymoon. And upon returning, I dove head-first in the murky and complicated waters of decoupling my worth from my work. I had to confront the fact that my identity was dangerously intertwined with my career.

I slowed down. Disconnected from my network. Spent a ton of time alone. I read books. Sat in the park. Went to coffee shops. I got brave enough to look at my shadows.

I sat with coaches, became a student of the Akashic Records, and dove deeper into my fascination with Human Design. Slowly, I began to heal, and the next path began to show itself.

It’s how I got here.

I know I’m not alone in going on a journey like this. When I look back, I can see how the dots all connect in a beautiful way, but it was far from beautiful when I was ‘in it’. Confronting the ‘less than shiny’ parts of ourselves can be challenging. And, there is no endeavor more worthwhile. It’s where we learn to trust ourselves and to know, ALL parts of who we are belong at the table.

I’m so passionate about this work because it’s the path I’ve walked myself. Life is an iterative, beautiful masterpiece and it is up to us to keep checking in on what feels right. It doesn’t mean we can’t be ambitious. Or that we can’t have big goals. Rather, it’s a call to make sure that what we’re pursuing, is in alignment with the present versions of ourselves.